:)

How foolish it is to think that we love only with our hearts. The heart is just an organ with a job to do, a quota to fill. When I love, I don't want to love with a blood-pumping machine. I want to love with every inch of my body.

I will love you with my knees and my fingertips, with my elbows and my collarbones. With my eyes and my knuckles, my wrinkles and my scars.

And I will love you with the space in between.

“There are two types of waiting. There’s the the waiting you do for something you know is coming, sooner or later—like waiting for the 6:28 train, or the school bus, or a party where a certain handsome boy might be. And then there’s the waiting for something you don’t know is coming. You don’t even know what it is exactly, but you’re hoping for it. You’re imagining it and living your life for it. That’s the kind of waiting that makes a fist in your heart.”

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Fun Learning

My title looks like some kind of promotional paraphernalia for school advertising.

The first sentence looks redundant because of the words "paraphernalia" and "advertising." Whatever.

Anyway, I just want to give notice to my laziness in studying. When I was in high school, learning seems to be fun. Now it feels so frustrating. I am not gonna elaborate on this but I think that the main reason why I am in such a mood is because of the environment. Mainly, the competition in the room. Again, no elaboration on my part. There are just things that are hard to explain and hard to comprehend. This is one of them.

I just wonder why everything used to go my way and now it feels like things are starting to fall apart for me.

Jealous

Sabi nila, kapag daw madalas na basa ng pawis ung ilong mo, seloso/selosa ka raw. Hidni ako naniniwala dito. Bakit? Kasi lahat naman ng normal na tao may pores sa ilong. Malamang pagpapawisan iyon. Iyan lagi ang iniisip ko kapag pinupuna nila yung basa ng ilong ko. Kasi base sa experience ko na kahit na pawisin yung ilong ko, hindi ko masasabing ako yung jealous type.

But earlier, I felt it. REALLY felt it. Before, when I see the two of them talking and interacting, I usually brush it off like it's nothing. But today it was different. I felt that longing to be talked to the way you talk to her. Because you do not talk to me that way. I feel like I'm not the person you are closer to. And I admit it hurts. It really does. It's like the feeling of being ignored and-- worse-- of being rejected even if there was no direct ignorance and rejection being made.

But then I realized that jealousy is not a foreign emotion. We all get jealous sometimes. It's because you care and love that person that fear gets associated with that love. You fear that one day you'll never be the person   he/she wants to talk to. You fear that once they find that other person who could probably replace you and could probably be better than you, they'll leave you. In the end, it's all about your fears and your insecurities. So that's why I do not want to let this affect me much. I trust in my relationship with her. She's my friend. Whatever happens, even if I get insanely jealous, I want her to know that I'll always be here even if I'm not the person she always wants to talk to with her troubles and her joys, for that matter. I want her to know that I'll still listen and just be here... waiting. 

Someone's starting to get on my nerves. She's such a brat and a know-it-all. She doesn't even have an ounce of respect for me. She orders me around like I'm functioned to do all her bidding. She ridicules me most of the time. And I can't tell her to fuck off because I love her and I do not want to hurt her feelings.

She's such a bitch and she's my sister.

Dress

I am sticking to my word yesterday that I will keep this up. But it seems like I have nothing to say for today. Nothing much happened at school since both of our professors did not attend class. As usual we went to SM but we did not do anything... much. Maybe just waste money.

I wore a dress at school today. People were amazed. Haha. No. They were awfully surprised. They never thought I would wear one. They teased me about my arms. It made me a little insecure but they don't have to know about that. Let's just continue with the facade that I am confident and unfazed.

Total Quality Management

Before I start with this blog post, let me just say that I feel the same things Nica is feeling. Read those here.

What am I going to write, anyway? I don't know how to start, actually. All I know is I want to write how my day went and I want to do it everyday. Or at least write about my days when there are eventful happenings in my life. Like today, for example.

As you all know (or maybe not know... or care), today is my first day of summer classes for my second year in college. Everything was pretty fine, I guess. I was early and sweaty coming to school since I went there in the afternoon. Traffic was expected. Good thing I'm already used to it. If I wasn't, then maybe I will reach school in an unpleasant mood.

We only have one subject for today. It's a 4.5-hour class. I was actually expecting it to be boring but luckily, it was not. Our professor, Sir J, was humorous and witty and smart, I got hooked to the class. Three hours has passed and I didn't even notice. The class was actually having so much fun!

What I like most about our professor was that he is a book-lover... LIKE ME! He asked the class who are into reading for leisure and said that his office is open if we ever decided to borrow a book from him. IF WE EVER DECIDED TO BORROW A BOOK FROM HIM! So that means I can borrow just about anything I like. But of course, I'll return it. And take care of it. I live by the motto, "Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you." It those were my books, I wouldn't want anyone borrowing and returning them in a not-so-good condition. Hell, I wouldn't want anyone borrowing them. Period. Especially strangers... It was very kind of him to entrust us with the responsibility of taking care of his book... if we ever decided to borrow one.

Sir J is the first professor whom I liked from the very beginning. He's a very laid back guy and perceptive, I guess, based on the activities he made us do earlier. I actually mentioned to Mika that Sir J is like the guy-version of myself. He took up Accountancy because when he was making a decision for a college program, Accountancy seemed to be a logical choice. But after graduating and not passing the board exam, he took up another program. I wonder if this will happen to me too...

It was also nice seeing my friends again after almost three weeks of summer vacation. I miss their loudness and... that's it. Haha. But I miss laughing with them more.

I'll try writing again tomorrow. In the meantime...

I just realized a few things while browsing through Facebook. It's just... it's been two years since I graduated high school and still, I can't shake off the feeling of nostalgia everytime I think about our moments. But I guess that's just it. Those are only moments now. Memories.

And then there's the feeling that we were all once friends but now ended up as acquaintances. Or even strangers. Somehow I think it's even my fault for not staying in touch. And how could I after what happened at the last days of our high school life? It was actually not my burden to bear. There was no offense sent directly to me but I felt like I was obliged to hate them, too. But after the storm, all I could think of were the happy memories and not the bad ones. If you would even weigh them, there really are lots of happy moments. And these people, they were the ones I was with.

It just saddens me that we have come to this point. Not that I regret anything my friends and I did. I love them and all my support goes to them first. I guess I just can't stop thinking of them, my classmates. And how I miss them. And how I hope I see them again and make new memories with them. I hope one day everyone can get past the grudges and... I don't know. See what happens, I guess.